DonnaK:  

So… I had the misfortune of watching The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor the other night. What a fucking waste of my life that fucking was! I want my two hours bad, damnit. Can someone refund that for me please? I don’t even know where to begin with this review, that’s how bad this was. This movie is just so universally bad on every conceivable level that trying to pick one place to start is kind of difficult. The acting is horrible. The sets are horrible. The effects are horrible. The plot goes beyond horrible into a new dimension of horrible. There is nothing good to say about

What I’ve decided to do is to just walk you through this wretched thing, picking apart and illustrating all the juvenile, puerile and idiotic things as we go. So… SPOLIER ALERT!!! SPOILER ALERT!!! Everything after this point WILL be a spoiler. Now, since I don’t recommend any viewing this movie for any reason other than sheer boredom I don’t think it matters, but just in case, there’s your spoiler alert.

We start not with the main characters, but with a LOOONG backstory about the Dragon Emperor (Jet Li) and his despotic reign over all of China. We learn he has mastered the five elements – water, fire, air, earth, and wood (wood? wood is an element??) – and is now seeking immortality. He finds a witch named Zi Juan (Michelle Yeoh) who he orders to make him immortal. Zi Juan and the Emperor’s General fall in love against the Emperor’s orders that no one touches the witch but him. The Emperor promises that Zi Juan can spend the rest of her life with the General if she will make him immortal. She casts a spell on him, after which the Emperor immediately has the General slain in front of Zi Juan, showing he has no honor at all. It is then we discover that the spell Zi Juan cast was not one of immortality but a curse that turned the Emperor and all of his army to stone and clay. The Emperor stabs Zi Juan as he turns slowly to stone.

Yeah. It takes THAT LONG to get to the main story. Finally, fifteen minutes in, we meet up with Rick and Evelyn O’Connell (Brendan Fraser and Maria Bello), who are retired and bored out of their skulls. It appears that both Fraser and Bello have completely forgotten how to act and vacillate between being either retardedly grandiose or half-asleep. Either way it’s just terrible. It’s been somewhere between 15-20 years since the last movie and their young son, Alex, is all grown up. Miraculously, the Rick and Evelyn don’t seem a day older. Imagine that! Big boy Alex has discovered the tomb of the Dragon Emperor and he and the family friend Wilson bring the tomb to Shanghai. Coincidentally, Rick and Evelyn are approached to bring a mysterious diamond to Shanghai. And wouldn’t you know that Evelyn’s brother Alex has a club in Shanghai… so the gang’s all back together! What incredible luck!

Jump cut with no explanation to Shanghai, where everyone is reunited. It turns out that Wilson is a traitor and set Rick and Evelyn up to bring the diamond to Shanghai. If the diamond is placed in a tower hidden in the Himalayas it will show the way to Shangri-La and the Pool of Eternal Life, which will make the Emperor immortal. No, I’m not kidding.

An absurd action sequence later and Jet Li, under a pound of make-up and CGI, emerges from his tomb. He immediately takes the diamond and, along with some Chinese military guys that show up out of nowhere to help him, starts laying waste to everything around him using his elemental powers. The O’Connells, joined by a mysterious girl named Lin, chase the Emperor and his pals through the streets of Shanghai, somehow thinking that a few bullets are going to do anything against this stone monstrosity who controls the elements and isn’t afraid to use all his powers. The whole thing makes no sense whatsoever and the CGI doesn’t help matters. The acting is perhaps the greatest crime as everyone’s over-the-top delivery ruins the scene completely. Of course the Emperor gets away and we learn that young Lin has the only weapon that can kill the evil despot – an enchanted dagger that will kill the Emperor if it pierces his heart.

So now the group has to head out to the Himalayas to reach the tower before The Emperor can. They enlist the help of pilot Mad Dog Maguire to get them… and a yak… to the mountains. Yes, I said a yak. This is important to mention because of course the plane ride is bumpy and has a crash landing and the yak pukes all over everyone. And they actually say “The yak yaked.” This was when I realized there was really no hope for this film. I simply cannot express how awful this scene really was. *sigh*

The group reaches the tower and of course we have relationship dramas – Alex and Lin are fighting their attraction for each other and Rick and Alex are having father son issues. None of this is interesting in the slightest as I stopped caring about any of these characters about ten minutes after their introductions. The hammy acting continues and thankfully is broken up by the Emperor and his mortal army reaching the tower. Of course neither bullets nor attempting to blow up the tower work as the Emperor simply uses his elemental powers to destroy everything. He places the diamond on the tower and learns the path to Shangri-la.

Here’s where things get even more stupid. Alex sets off an explosion which causes an avalanche to come careening towards the tower. The Emperor throws a sword at Alex but daddy throws himself in the way and is mortally wounded. Young Lin starts shouting and a group of yetis suddenly appear out of nowhere. They fight off the last soldiers and protect the O’Connells from the avalanche. Yes… I said yetis. Which look fake as ALL hell I might add. After the snow settles the Yetis dig out the O’Connells and in order to save Rick’s life – and to stop the Emperor – the group sets off for Shangri-la… with the yetis carrying Rick’s body in a stretcher. I cannot possibly do justice to how awful this is on paper, I really can’t. It’s just the most ridiculous thing since Mutt Jones started vine swinging with chimps in the last Indy film.

Quick cut to Shangri-La-la. Why all the quick cuts? It’s all A to B to C with NOTHING to explain the hows of getting there. So stupid. Of course Zi Juan is still alive and immortal and living in Shangri-la protecting the pool of eternal life, and Lin is her immortal daughter she conceived with the General. This is my shocked and surprised face. If people hadn’t guessed that plot point by now they need to be locked up somewhere. Zi Juan pours some pool water over Rick’s wound, which heals. So… is he now immortal? We never find out. It’s never even addressed. I swear it’s like the script writers think we’ll all idiots and they treat us with honest contempt with plot devices like this. It’s just… lazy. And stupid. But I’m getting off track.

The Emperor shows up and dives into the pool. Now we finally get to *see* Jet Li again… which only lasts a few seconds because he transforms into a dragon, kidnaps Lin and flies off. Dragon? Huh? Zi Juan mentions that the pool will give him the power to transform into hideous creatures. Ummm. why? Does that mean Rick can transform too? What about Lin and Zi Juan? Apparently not as none of them ever do. Again… insulting and stupid and lazy.

So now it’s a race to the Great Wall where the Emperor plans to raise his army from the dead with his new pool powers (huh?) and take over the world. Mad Dog somehow outflies the dragon and Zi Juan raises the armies of the slain enemies of the Emperor who were buried under the Great Wall. Strangely, the ancient Chinese spell to do this is in modern English and requires her to give up both her and her daughter immortality. Here we go again. Why in English? And what if they hadn’t been immortal? STUPIDITY ABOUNDS. The Emperor awakens his army (in Chinese at least) and both Zi Juan and the Emperor give huge William Wallace speeches to their respective groups. There are no words for how ridiculous this all comes across.

Now the good undead guys, led by the good undead General are fighting back the bad undead army, aided by the mortal Chinese troops whose presence is STILL not explained. The bad undead guys need to get over the Great Wall so they’ll turn human and immortal – no explanation as to why that would happen, but at this point who the fuck cares. Apparently a single bullet is enough to kill these mummies, which of course makes no sense, but I guess we’re going with that. Strangely, the Emperor sits back and allows most of his army to get slaughtered, even though earlier he was throwing around his elemental powers left and right. All he would have had to wave his hand and send a wave of fire at the good undead guys and the battle would have been over. So why didn’t he? If the only answer is “but then the movie would be over”… THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

At last, the big moment – the Emperor and Ji Zuan spot each other. They fly into an epic sword battle in what should have been the big climax of the movie. Except… it wasn’t. First of all, it was shot horribly. All the angles and timing were just off. Second of all, why the fuck was it almost entirely in slow motion? The beauty of a fight like this, especially with masters like Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh, is to watch their speed and agility. To drag it into slo-mo destroyed the momentum of everything and made it look ordinary. It could have been any two actors up there in that scene the way it was shot. This is Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh! LET THEM JUST FIGHT! Of course, though, the thing that ruins the scene completely is that there shouldn’t have been a fight at all. Why would the Emperor bother with a sword fight when he’s been throwing his power around for the whole movie? Why didn’t he just immolate her and be done with it? The ONLY reason is for her to be killed by his hand and for her dying act to be handing the enchanted dagger to Rick so he stab the Emperor in the heart with it. Useless, stupid, and insulting, every bit of it.

After killing Ji Zuan the Emperor transforms into a big wolf-like thing and bounds into a temple to do… something. I’m still not sure what. The O’Connells follow him with the enchanted dagger and hurl it at him. Yeah… brilliant plan, guys. The Emperor simply plucks the dagger out of the air. Now, of course the smart thing for our bad guy to do is to keep the only thing that can kill him on his person so no one can get to it or use it. But of course we can’t have that… that would be logical! The Emperor hurls the dagger back at Rick, whereupon the blade breaks on the floor. Alex gets attacked and knocked unconscious, and Rick is left with The Emperor. Rick grabs half of the enchanted blade and leaves the other half next to his unconscious son. Why? Who the fuck knows. Or cares, for that matter.

We’ve spent the movie establishing that the Emperor is a man without any honor or compassion, evil to the core. So when Rick jumps up and yells at the Emperor that he has no honor and he should “fight like a man” this should in reality have no effect save for the imminent death of Rick via fireball. But no… this is movie land! The Emperor’s honor has been challenged and he actually gets into a fist-fight with Rick, who does nearly as well against him as the superwoman Ji Zuan. Yeah… right. Suddenly Rick gets the upper hand and he drives his half of the enchanted blade into the Emperor’s heart. Simultaneously, Alex miraculously wakes up, grabs the other half of the blade and stabs the Emperor from behind… hitting the EXACT SAME SPOT his father had.

It’s… a miracle. The blade parts meet in the heart, the Emperor is dead. With the Emperor’s death the evil undead army dissolves into dust, and after rejoicing in victory for about 15 seconds the good undead army voluntarily does the same. Lin is now mortal and is able to date with Alex, Rick and Evelyn are back in the adventure business and Jonathan (remember him?) flies off to Peru with the giant diamond. Everyone’s happy.

Except me. I’m really fucking far from happy. This plot has more holes than swiss cheese. It’s vapid and puerile. The jokes, what few of them there are, are completely juvenile and ruin the fun, playful spirit of the first Mummy movies. I can’t even compare it to the other Mummy movies because it’s so inferior in every conceivable way that I find it hard to even consider it a sequel. Fraser and Bello are both exceptional actors and I cannot for the life of me understand how they could perform so poorly. Jet Li was completely misused as was Michelle Yeoh. And a note to ALL directors who are making creatures and using big special effects: WATCH HELLBOY 2. Learn from del Toro how to do this RIGHT, for fuck’s sake. If del Toro can make all that look so real so can you. There was no reason for everything in this movie to look so fucking fake, especially after just seeing Hellboy 2.

The worst part is how badly this script insults the viewer from beginning to end. The complete lack of logic, explanation or common sense is infuriating. The gaping holes between set changes get maddening. The plot devices that spring out of nowhere with no explanation or logic is just stupid. The whole thing is stupid. And the most maddening thing of all? There were about 100 people or so in the theater… and about half of them APPLAUDED AT THE END. I couldn’t believe it – I damn near fell out of my chair. You’ve got to have the mind of a chimp to like this movie on any level, but I guess some people did. How very, very sad.

Needless to say… The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is a one star movie all the way. Do NOT see it. Don’t rent it. Maybe if it’s on cable and you’re really bored and sick with the flu and high on cough medicine watch it for the laughs. But don’t in any way think this is a good movie. It’s horrible and insulting and if I had my way I’d destroy it. Yeah, I hated it that much. Save your brain… don’t see this film.