JimK:  I used to wonder if every generation since the advent of film thought that this, generally speaking, was the time when film as an art form died and was replaced by…crap.  Now I realize that if anyone has had this thought in the past, they were wrong.  It’s the crushing onslaught of remakes that will eventually render movies about as entertaining as re-runs of According To Jim.

JimK:  Yeah, but it’s not funny.  Like, ever.

JimK:  Hey…is that a dig at my comedy stylings, missy?  I may not be funny to you, but you better remember I can box you like a Three.

JimK:  Absolutely not.  Scarface, Ben Hur, Dawn of the Dead, Magnificent Seven, there are many successful remakes.  The remake is not inherently a bad film.  Making nothing but remakes, though, peppered with the occasional TV-to-film jump that almost always sucks, throw in some comic book movies and you have the schedule for every movie theater for the next two years.  Other films get made, but you have to live in New York or LA to see them, or wait for them to run on one of the 8723 “independent” movie cable channels.

JimK:  Two things.  First, the news of an I Spit On Your Grave remake.  It won’t be anything like the original.  They won’t get away with it.  Without the horrible violence of the original, what do you really have?  More torture porn?  A dated 70’s revenge aesthetic that simply doesn’t track in today’s market?  And why this film?  The original sucks.  There’s nothing to remake, no real effects to update (unless they CGI the blood, which always looks like crap), no characters to develop.  Girl gets repeatedly and violently gang raped.  Girl seeks out revenge on each rapist in horrific fashion.  It’s a badly-done gore-fest that only gets mentioned at the end of a sentence like “...and of course there are the terrible horror flicks, like I Spit On Your Grave....”  I just don’t see the point of making it, unless someone is using the project for money-laundering.

Secondly, this pile of shit got my dander up:

It makes me not want to see the movie. It makes me hate everyone involved with the movie. It’s so frigging bad it makes me want to punch Carell in the face. I dislike that trailer so much that I’m seriously crushing slightly less on fictional character Pam Beesly because she works with fictional character Michael Scott who is played by the actor in this stinking pile of fail.  That is the reach this horrible fucking film may have; It could potentially kill my love for all things Kevin Bacon.

JimK:  Carell has a Bacon number of 2.  Steve Carell was in a short called American Storage with Maya Goldsmith, and Maya Goldsmith is in Rails & Ties with Kevin Bacon.  Get Smart is so offensive to my eyes that I might start to hate Maya Goldsmith as well.

JimK:  Maybe it wasn’t great and brilliant television, but it was funny and it was a damn great way to get into the spy genre.  Don Adams had great comic timing and a charming goofiness that you don’t see anymore.  That Don Adams impression Carell is doing is almost offensive in how unfunny a choice it is.  It’s all hard edges and mean-spirited where Don Adams was all self-deprecation and bumbling charm.

Going too far?  I’m not going far enough, now that I think about it.  Can you maybe get in touch with Carell’s iPhone and blow it up in his pocket or something?  Maybe get his laptop to start blaring Hezbollah war chants while he’s going through a TSA security checkpoint at the airport?  Just something to ruin his day.  Maybe hack his satnav and send him into a swamp or something.

JimK:  Thanks.  But no more fires, OK?  I know you offered, and I never asked if you were involved, but…just in case…no more fires.  Except at Skywalker Ranch or ILM, when George is actually there.  That fire you can set.

JimK:  Ahh!  Zzzt!  Shut it.  I never asked and I never want to know.