JimK:  Yes, her tattoos are kind of terrible and distracting.  No, I do not care.  Have you seen Megan Fox?

My case, it is rested.  Now, besides wanting to do unspeakable and frankly embarrassing things to her, on her, in front of her and at the thought of her, I also love the crazy shit she says in interviews.

It’s like, Oh, I’m sorry I took a naked, private picture that someone is an asshole and sold for money. I’m sorry if someone else is a dick. No. You shouldn’t have to apologize. Someone betrayed Vanessa, but no one’s angry at that person. She had to apologize. I hate Disney for making her do that. Fuck Disney.”

Can I get that on the record?

“Yeah. Fuck Disney.”

Dude.  Pissing off the Great Disney Oligarchy may not be wise.  But it does make her kind of awesome.  And now, Megan Fox on cupping her man’s junk in public:

“I don’t understand why they’re so scandalous. When they first came out, it was like, Megan Fox was giving Brian a blow job in pub—I mean, uh—a hand job in public. First: Who gives hand jobs? Who’s given a hand job since seventh grade? Not me. And who does it at a café on a public street? I touch him all the time. It’s just like, if you have a girlfriend, you grab her butt or whatever. That’s all it was, but it became a big deal. I don’t know why. For me, touching Brian’s dick for two seconds—that’s not part of our sex life. That’s me playing around; you know, you just cup it a little. For a few seconds.”

Love this nutcase.  Megan, I would let you cup my manbusiness wherever and whenever you wanted.  Oh, and she probably likes likes whoever she thinks is the her of her world:

It’s at this point that Fox becomes self-conscious—she seems, for the first time, to have recalled that she’s supposed to be on guard about her personal life—and she starts talking less about Nikita and more about how people are going to judge her for saying she had a relationship with a Russian stripper. “I don’t want it to come off as a Lindsay Lohan vibe. You know?” she says. Then, with greater concern: “Are you going to push an ‘Is she a lesbian’ angle? Oh man, you are going to do that to me.…” She pauses. “Look, I’m not a lesbian—I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl—Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing. And lately I’ve been obsessed with Jenna Jameson, but.… Oh boy.”

I hope she means the old Jenna, because the new Jenna is like a leather-wrapped bag of death with a bad case of fishmouth.  If she means the old Jenna, well that is just one more thing Megan Fox and I have in common.  Megan, my wife is a beautiful person and if you want, we can totally make her smell like angels.  Or cupcakes.  Or whatever the hell you want.  I’m just saying.  The three of us could connect with each other on a deep, spiritual level.  Call me.

“Fuck Disney.”  “Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands.”  How do you not love a mental case who spews this stuff in interviews and is so hot she makes Oymyakon, Russia look like Wyndham, Western Australia. (Wiki explanation of my - in all modesty - brilliant joke).

Megan Fox, I hereby declare you officially the MoA Awesomest Hollywood Babe.  For like…I don’t know, until someone awesomer comes along or Summer Glau starts returning my many calls, emails, letters and packages plus the body part casts I sent her and she could at least acknowledge the gift basket I mean really is wooed by my totally appropriate expressions of fandom.

What’s more awesome: Optimus Prime or Megan Fox?  My brain went into total lockdown trying to glean the answer to that one, so I apologize in advance if I’ve ruined your productivity for the rest of the day.