JimK:  So this is new for me.  I changed gyms and saved a small fortune. I then turned around and used that savings to hire a trainer to beat my ass once a week for the next twelve months.  I am dedicated to losing this fat and getting stronger and healthier, and with this new place I can get someone to whom I have to answer while spending the same money I was before and still get personal training.  It’s going to keep me motivated, plus it will help me devise new things to do to keep from getting bored and falling into a rut.  I did two free appointments with the training manager…a fun dude that looks exactly like Alex Albrecht, btw…and thoroughly enjoyed it.  I was a little bit injured off the second one but that passed in 48 hours and I was still pumped and excited to do it again.  Along comes Monday.

I had my first regular appointment last night and kind of hated it.  The regular trainer guy they assigned me - let’s call him “Son of Jay” so as to hide his true identity -  was a runner with a background in nutrition. He works for “a big company that sells, in his words, “pre-packaged meals and weight loss programs” and hates his job. (Weight Watchers, most likely, as we don’t have many other programs like that in this area As per Jo-jo’s comment, it’s probably Jenny Craig, as I don’t think there are many Nutrisystems centers around here and he mentioned that it was a big company with lots of offices in CT. Sorry Weight Watchers!)  He also has an idea - which is a good one - for a full website that takes the idea of visual portion sizes and tries to cover most foods, matching them up with the standard nutritionist paperwork and whatever.  We spent most of my appointment with him trying to get me to tell him how brilliant this idea was.  We did a few exercises that left my back in some pain, and he basically shat on all the reasons I signed up for training in the first place.

I fired him.  I never do that.  For all my big mouth, I have trouble with two things: asking for money and telling people I have hired that they suck.  I will tell a total stranger on the street all about themselves in colorful language, but the minute I pay that person, it’s like I mentally freeze up and can no longer criticize them.  I don’t know what that is.  Luckily for me Donna is the opposite. She won’t say boo to people in real life until she pays them, then they god-damn better well perform to her standards or they’re gonna hear about it.  We have a system…I start things to do with money and she finishes them.  I can pierce the veil of any salesman’s BS…but when the actual money talk comes around I cave.  She never caves over money.  So with this, as in so much else…she completes me. /moviedialogue.  Every can ‘awwwww’ now.  Or throw up. Whichever.

Back to the trainer guy.  I know a lot about this dude.  For example, he’s had digestive troubles since he was a kid.  He has a pin in his wrist. He just had elbow surgery a few months ago.  He boycotts all fast food - yet he sells Weight Watchers food to people like that is so much less processed?  He thinks yoga and pilates are useless.  Now, in fairness I used to think that as well, until I saw the results Donna got with yoga and then my “your first one is free” trainer showed me some. That shit will kick your ass. Yoga ain’t no joke.

We spent about 30 of the 45 minutes we were together talking about his frigging website idea.  Yes, “Son of Jay,” it’s brilliant.  Yes “Son of Jay,” I think people could benefit from seeing what 1, 2, or 300 calories of red meat or grapes or broccoli looks like on a plate. Yes, “Son of Jay,” I agree that the reference for size should be standardized, like a baseball or a dollar bill. Hey “Son of Jay,” is there any chance of us maybe lifting something up, back or around repetitively for a few minutes?  How about we do some of the stat tracking that the program promised me with this nifty little book?  No?  We’re gonna talk about the mind-body-spirit connection to instinctual lifting a certain amount of weight in a way that feels natural?  OK, great.  How much do I start with?  What motion do I use?  How are you going to protect my lower back? No?  We’re talking about the website again?  And how you won’t build it without angel funding and someone paying you to quit your day job?  Good luck with that dream, pal. Have you picked up a newspaper or read Google News in the last six months?

Hey “Son of Jay, ” You’re fired.

I get a new guy next week on Tuesday nights.  I’ve been told this guy is far closer to the crack dealer who gives you a free hit training manager who started me off as far as style and method go, so that’s good.

Now about this man-ass.  W.T.F. - over.  Why why WHY would you parade around a locker room for like, ten minutes, totally nude? Why would you drag your towel on the floor behind you as you did it?  Are you that desperate for someone to see your cock? I mean really.  I have seen more cock in the last few days than any five urologists working today.  Cock to the left of me, man-ass to the right and here I am, stuck in the middle with balls.

Remember how it became somewhat fashionable for dudes to shave the twig & berries thanks to the proliferation of porn?  CAN WE BRING THAT BACK PLEASE?  If I have to fucking see so many of them, could they be slightly less Grizzly Adams and a tad more presentable? For fuck’s sake.  Hey that one specific dude that every gym seems to have: Wrap the god-damned towel around your waist for the long walk from the showers to your locker.  You are covered in what can only be called a ‘pelt’ and your peen looks like a turtle hiding in one of Donna Summer’s old wigs. I realize this is some sort of exhibitionist thrill for you, but I swear to God I’m going to stab you directly in the dick one of these days.

Ladies and gay/bi gentlemen…I apologize for men everywhere.  We are very unattractive in the genital area, and we’re grateful that you don’t seem to mind much.  Thank you for that.

Anyway…fun times at the gym.